If you find your own story among these words please take heart in the fact that you are not alone in your experience. Domestic violence is not a dead end. You can recover. You can return to your own path. You can reclaim your light.
The story of domestic violence is as individual as the people living within it, and as timeless as the sea. Each woman is individual in their perceptions and reactions; and your story is unique and powerful. The patterns of domestic violence however, can be seen to be repeated time and time again. This is because there are only a few certain pathways to manipulation. And manipulation is the heart and centre of an abusive relationship.
So why is manipulation so important to someone who is abusive in a relationship (ie: a perpetrator of abuse)? Let’s pick it apart. A perpetrator has to feel a sense of power and control in the relationship above and beyond what is normal and healthy. The best way for him to have that power and control is to make his partner feel weak, helpless and submissive. These things can be achieved short term by the use of behaviours such as physical violence or verbal abuse, but only manipulation will keep the victim in a place where she is blaming herself for his abusive behaviour. And this is the only dynamic where someone will stay in an abusive relationship.
There are only a few pathways of manipulation, but of course as in anything, each perpetrator will use them slightly differently. These pathways are:
- Seduction tactics
- Create confusion, doubt and fear
- Minimise abusive behaviour
- Vilify the victim
- Claim victim status
Any or all of these behaviours can be used in an abusive relationship, either concurrently or separately. The stereotypical image of the raised fist (that most people imagine when they think of domestic violence) is only a small part of the equation; physical violence is mainly used as a reinforcement of the psychological manipulation. In fact, many women who are victims of the manipulative psychological and verbal abuse state that they would prefer a black eye. A physical injury is something tangible and incontrovertible whereas manipulation by its very nature is amorphous and intangible and very hard to explain in words. The manipulation tends to keep the victim feeling confused, anxious and in a constant state of panic. This state of mind makes it incredibly difficult to speak about the situation without falling into a storm of emotion.
There are a couple of ways you can begin to clear your mind of this manipulation fog.
- Write it down. When you are in a safe place write down your thoughts and feelings in that moment. It doesn’t matter if they’re not clear or precise. No one else is going to read this; your words can be gibberish, free form and flowing. Sooner or later you will find coherent sentences forming. Pay attention to them. What is he threatening you with? Is it a credible threat? Or only credible in his mind? What does he blame you for? Is it a credible blame? Or only credible in his mind?
- Imagine that you are advising your best friend. Imagine that she tells you your story, unchanged and unvarnished. Is your first impulse to blame her for the perpetrators actions? Of course not. We invariably have much swifter and comprehensive compassion for a loved one than we do for ourselves. What would your concerns be for your friend? What would your advice be? How would you support her? Can you imagine how you would feel if you had that beautiful support in your own situation?
The only environment in which manipulation can thrive is one of secrecy, shame and silence.
(Please note: Penrith Counselling operates with a feminist perspective, and will describe domestic violence from the viewpoint of the woman. If you are seeking help as a male victim of domestic violence please call the National Men’s Line on 1300 78 99 78)
**
At Penrith Counselling women are supported and nurtured by strengths based holistic counselling and Reiki energy healing. Click here for more information. You’re worth it ❤
Alison Howarth is a member of the Australian Counselling Association.